I study Psychology. I am naturally fond of the human behavior. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m introspective. I tend to analyze my inner world, and no not just my outside behavior but I dive deep into my internal process.
Most people would react, then move on. I react, sometimes I don’t, then I pause and question, I dissect, I reflect. I grew up naturally curious about the why, not just the what. I get anxiety exploring the uncomfortable but I do it anyway. I explore my painful thoughts, my insecurities and the dreams that scare me.
But I never thought that aside from studying human behavior and mental ilnesses, I’d end up having one.
I grew up in a Science Class, graduated Valedictorian in an accelerated class in high school. I got tons of full scolarships I never used. Normally, people would say college would be easy for me. But it wasn’t. What I didn’t expect is that school would require structure and long term consistency and it was challenging because it’s not that I didn’t want to finish, but my brain seeks immediate relief from the emotional overload and switching and stopping school felt like a huge relief, like I was reducing the pressure and escaping failure. On top of that, my family’s financial pressure triggered my survival-mode thinking and my brain creates an impulse to rethink my path and try to be stable first. And the cycle went on and on and I never got to finish. And I thought, “wow, there is something seriously wrong about me.”
It was 2023 when I decided to go back to school because I have a year left and I wanted to prove something to myself.
It was my turning point. Or was it impulse too? Nonetheless, it was a good impulse. I was trying to reclaim myself and I want to prove to myself that I can succeed. I decided to choose growth over fear. It wasn’t easy but it was that year the future me started pulling me forward.
And now I’m here. Two years later and graduating. But it’s not all that, this year I finalized my separation from my son’s father and I got my Bipolar II diagnosis.
Looking back, I finally understood.
I wasn’t broken. I was fighting an invisible battle.
I remember waking up with energy and being able to finish new creative projects so fast but then losing the interest and energy without warning. I ‘d have the motivation to do everything, then suddenly none. I move places, I travel, I spend all my money on bags and wallets I don’t need. And on top of that, I was a mom, a provider, a survivor.
I cry for weeks talking to myself thinking “I’m smart, I should be farther by now.”
What I didn’t know was that I was fighting an internal war no one saw.
But I try to crawl back, every single time. I paused, yes, and I can’t count how many times pain tried to end me but I tried to fight for myself and my son.
And I survived without understanding what I was up against.
I fought Bipolar Disorder for years with no diagnosis, no explanation for what I felt, no roadmap and no treatment.
I fought blind, but still I survived the battle without knowing the enemy.
Now there’s another battle I have to face—tuition fee and board exam.
I am not finishing school as a different version of myself. I carried motherhood, restarted life again and again, studied while fighting depression and I’d like to think that the boards are not harder than what I already survived.
I was reading and understanding Psychological Testing & Assessment for two days now because aside from the fact that it was too long ago when I took Psychological Statistics, it weights 40% of the board exam.
And I’d like to think that I can do this.
My family sent me books so I can review, some friends sent me reviewers, and some sent me tips for the upcoming exam. It’s scary, but I want to think of it as a doorway. A doorway I don’t have to run through but to walk through. Step by step, page by page, day by day.
I’ms scared and sometimes when I’m on my depressive state, I feel so alone. But I have people who believes in me and a future waiting for me—a future I fought, a future I cried for and prayed for and I deserve to reach it.
I’m going to survive this.
I always do.
I always will.
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