The Ocean Doesn’t Feel the Same Anymore

Palawan used to be my happy place.

It was the one corner of the world where my chest felt lighter, where my mind could breathe, where everything made sense for a moment.

But now it changed. My happy place is no longer my happy place, though I still try to.

After moving here, I finalized my separation from my child’s father and blamed myself for breaking my son’s family here, in his happy place. I try to hide under the reasoning that I didn’t leave suddenly. I was kind of preparing my mind and heart for years but I wasn’t ready letting go.

Then I met someone here. A single moment. A single conversation became the mirror I needed to see myself honestly.

I didn’t tell him the whole story, and it got messy. I wasn’t manipulative or malicious or using him but I was only sharing the parts I can manage. I was protecting myself the way I knew how.

So I told my story in pieces, in fragments, one chapter at a time.

Was it wrong? Or was it human?

So it got messy, very messy.

And now my favorite place is stained by the memory of something I didn’t know how to handle.

I’m not angry at my ex or him. I’m frustrated at myself, the timing, the confusion.

I feel hurt that something so beautiful now carries a quiet ache.

I hate that a place that once felt like freedom is now a reminder of the version of me that was overwhelmed. A reminder of a moment where I wasn’t able to show the whole truth and a reminder of someone I wasn’t ready for and wasn’t ready for the real story behind me.

I don’t want to shrink or lose a place I loved because I was messy, scared, vulnerable and trying my best.

The ocean now feels like a bruise. The sunset feels like a goodbye. I carry the guilt for a version of me that was surviving the battle.

But I want to believe that one day, it won’t sting the same way. I want to believe that the place isn’t really ruined but it just hurts right now because I’m still healing.

Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow.

But when that day comes, I wanna be here, walking on it’s shore—softer, wiser, and finally free.